I stopped once to think about what I was doing. I sat down and took a minute, looked around at my path to see what was on it. I looked backwards and forwards, taking in the disruptions that had been created and the ones yet to come. Whereas the past had a singular trail, for it had already been forged and could not be altered, the future held an array to possibilities. I could see at each turn - no, each step - I had made, that the path offered the same multitudes of futures, but once each step was taken, all but one became cement and a new array of futures was created. 

Some futures stayed the same, as those are not easily altered and require many changes in course to disrupt. Some futures changed slightly, for tiny choices gave these slightly different shades of color. And some futures disappeared, for the step chosen made them obsolete. 

I learned to find peace in the idea that there is no definitive tomorrow. That anything is possible and nothing is guaranteed. I like the idea that the answers to life's puzzle are all alterable somehow. That I can afford to misplace ideas and lose thoughts and find notions and remember meanings. This lets me find significance in all my interpretations and perceptions of the people and the events around me. This lets me be at peace with my future, and the path I am on that will take me there - wherever there is…

As that concept overtook me, I stood to walk again. One should not to waste too much time on thinking about their path or they might forget to forge ahead. And ahead is all any of us wants to be. :)

My mind is a wasteland, overrun by the wild growth of seeds that produce all the flora that cannot be tamed. The earth beneath it breathes heavy, making the ground slowly rise and fall, causing minute disruptions in the beds lain upon it. As these cracks and fissures are formed throughout the open air expanse, the steams from the nourishment below spew forth from these openings, making the linear view seem to be nothing more than a field of geysers ready to explode. But that is an illusion, as most things in this environment are, tricking those who take chance to come visit into believing they know what they see. But what they see is never what is there. What they see is an existence beyond comprehension, and their feeble mind makes it comprehensible in order to sustain its own sanity. But what they see isn't real. What you see is never real. 

Luv & Stuff

Love...it's something that is so real and true and deep and forever when you're in the middle of it. And it may be. But I don't think it's necessarily a guarantee. That's not to say that it can't be, or hasn't been or won't be...that's merely to recognize that finding it, then having it, then losing it, are totally natural parts of life.

And I think when we realize this, and are okay with it, it makes falling out of love easier, because there really is no love loss for the person, just for the love affair - which can be completely detached from any one individual. In other words, that trait isn't singular, so it doesn’t belong to any one person. It is then that we can learn to be deep and honest and true and forever friends.

Oh Joe...

Damn it Joe. You little shit. If you were here right now I’d beat your ass. Cuz an ass whopping is what you need right now. Sad thing is, if you were here, you would agree with me.

You were one of my skinny brothers. There’s not many of us that are just skinny through no fault of our own. Most people, either through a misguided sense of jealousy or just plain stupidity, assume we are drug addled or have eating disorders. But we don’t. We’re just skinny. Maybe had you not been so little you wouldn’t have died. But then, had you not been drinking or messing with your phone while you were driving you probably wouldn’t have either.

You were one of the sweetest kids I knew. You always had kind words and love to offer those around you. You were never one to wait, like most of us do, to express how you felt at the edge of a coffin.  I’m not sure you got the love and guidance you needed as a child, but it only made you more cognizant of offering those things as an adult to the people you felt strongly about. Never once did I see you when you didn’t tell me how much you loved me or how beautiful I was or how important I was in your life. And I hope you knew you were all those things to me also. I’m glad I could be one of the few you could look up to while you were here, and I hope you are up there looking down on me now.

You had problems that needed addressed, but most people at 23 do, in some form or fashion. But from where you came, you were doing fantastic. You were full of shit, but never to the detriment of yourself or others. Your biggest fault was believing you had everything under control. You didn’t…and there was nothing anyone could do to make you realize otherwise. Though I do believe that you would have come to that conclusion, had you stayed with us a while longer. And even through it all, you never lacked for a smile or a laugh or a joke. You were in tune with your demons and aware of your happiness. When things happened to bring you down, you never let them keep you down. Or at least you didn’t on the surface. I admired that about you.

I remember our last conversation. It happened less than 30 minutes before you died. I can’t repeat it – I can’t repeat a lot of our conversations – but it will always bring a smile to my face. And a smile for the memory of a kid I hate to say I will never hear from again.

Plans :)

Most things in life don’t turn out as planned. So I decided to take a stand against this idea a long time ago and quit planning. Almost entirely. Granted, there are things you can’t avoid having plans for, like weddings or birthday parties and the like, but for all the other stuff, I threw the caution to the wind and decided to just take whatever comes my way, when it comes my way.

It’s simple enough to do, if you can, to just let go of the constraints of time management that goes along with planning. And it truly allows you to relax a bit in your own life. I don’t get stressed when things don’t turn out how I wanted them to, because I don’t let myself want for something. So no matter what happens, I take it and run with it. Or, in some cases, run from it. But no matter, for either way I had no expectations in whatever is unfolding before me.

This also makes those bubbles of anger and anxiety wash away before they even reach the shores of your mind. It’s absurd to get upset over something that you had no idea was coming, or to get upset for something that never came. That is, if you never planned for it either way.

I enjoy happiness. I find it difficult to be sad, I abhor whininess, and anger is something that I’d rather not indulge in (although it is one emotion that I am quite good at expressing with a modicum of intelligence). I just want me and the world around me to be happy. I like to smile and I like to laugh and I don’t want anything to bring me down from those feelings. Lack of planning allows me to do this – at least most of the time.

So let go a little folks. Release the pressure you place upon yourself and realize that life is just a crazy insane kind of thing and to really enjoy it, you must learn to love the madness of it all. You must embrace your lack of control. You must learn, like a wise woman told me once, to simply float on your cloud instead of reaching over the sides with your arms flailing as you try to pedal it in a certain direction.

Come to think of it, I didn’t even plan my wedding. J

The Element of Feelings

Ok, I found it again…or better put, I felt it again. Maybe it’s because I had the perfect combination of elements that caused this feeling to stand out again, course through my mind and my soul, and leave me exuberant in every molecule of my body. Maybe everything was just so…

I’m not sure how any one of these elements has anything to do with the other, for they are all seemingly unrelated events, and moreover, they are each, in their own right, quite common occurrences. The weather, the location, the company, the music, along with a litany of other things, are all quite usual in my life.

I know it is stimuli, be it internal or external, that controls how we feel, or guides our feelings (something that should not be mistaken for actions by the way), so my logic tells me that every singular event, when coupled with each other, causes different variations, ripples if you will, in the feelings you have. But I wonder what it is with this particular combination that brought back *this* feeling.

But I think, for once in my constant-need-to-break-things-down kind of mind, I’m going to let my right brain take control and make my left brain take a rest. I’m going to stop analyzing “what” for a minute, quit wondering why this feeling decided to visit me today, and just enjoy it. J

Illusions

Illusions. They’re everywhere. Everyone we meet, everything we see – they all cast them. Its hard sometimes to discern what is real and what is not – depending on how good the illusions are, and more importantly how good you are at finding them.

I cast them every day; several times a day in several different ways. We all do. Its in our nature. People who know me pretty well will see through some. People that know me very well will see through most. But no one will see through all. I don’t do it to hide who I am (those people are the ones you need to worry about) – I do it to project whatever aspect of myself is best suited to any given situation. Well, ok, there are times I do it to hide, but that’s a tale for another day.

There are those few that use illusions to make you believe that what you see is real, when in fact they are anything but what you see. And there are those that cast them to make themselves believe that what they show is real. These are the hardest illusions to see through, for if the projector believes what they say, their lie is hard to detect.

I was in a situation not too long ago where I watched as the illusions that surrounded another person fell to pieces. Right in front of my eyes. It reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Each time someone’s annoying habit was pointed out, the sound of glass shattered above the heads of everyone else in the room. They had not noticed these traits in each other before, but once pointed out, they were obvious to all. I felt the exact same way that day.

And then there you are, staring at what you always considered to be real when *poof* - it’s gone. And once they are all gone, once every illusion is shattered, there is the face unveiled. And all you can do at that point is hope that what you reveal is not ugly.