Saturday, June 23, 2012

Luv & Stuff's something that is so real and true and deep and forever when you're in the middle of it. And it may be. But I don't think it's necessarily a guarantee. That's not to say that it can't be, or hasn't been or won't be...that's merely to recognize that finding it, then having it, then losing it, are totally natural parts of life.

And I think when we realize this, and are okay with it, it makes falling out of love easier, because there really is no love loss for the person, just for the love affair - which can be completely detached from any one individual. In other words, that trait isn't singular, so it doesn’t belong to any one person. It is then that we can learn to be deep and honest and true and forever friends.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Oh Joe...

Damn it Joe. You little shit. If you were here right now I’d beat your ass. Cuz an ass whopping is what you need right now. Sad thing is, if you were here, you would agree with me.

You were one of my skinny brothers. There’s not many of us that are just skinny through no fault of our own. Most people, either through a misguided sense of jealousy or just plain stupidity, assume we are drug addled or have eating disorders. But we don’t. We’re just skinny. Maybe had you not been so little you wouldn’t have died. But then, had you not been drinking or messing with your phone while you were driving you probably wouldn’t have either.

You were one of the sweetest kids I knew. You always had kind words and love to offer those around you. You were never one to wait, like most of us do, to express how you felt at the edge of a coffin.  I’m not sure you got the love and guidance you needed as a child, but it only made you more cognizant of offering those things as an adult to the people you felt strongly about. Never once did I see you when you didn’t tell me how much you loved me or how beautiful I was or how important I was in your life. And I hope you knew you were all those things to me also. I’m glad I could be one of the few you could look up to while you were here, and I hope you are up there looking down on me now.

You had problems that needed addressed, but most people at 23 do, in some form or fashion. But from where you came, you were doing fantastic. You were full of shit, but never to the detriment of yourself or others. Your biggest fault was believing you had everything under control. You didn’t…and there was nothing anyone could do to make you realize otherwise. Though I do believe that you would have come to that conclusion, had you stayed with us a while longer. And even through it all, you never lacked for a smile or a laugh or a joke. You were in tune with your demons and aware of your happiness. When things happened to bring you down, you never let them keep you down. Or at least you didn’t on the surface. I admired that about you.

I remember our last conversation. It happened less than 30 minutes before you died. I can’t repeat it – I can’t repeat a lot of our conversations – but it will always bring a smile to my face. And a smile for the memory of a kid I hate to say I will never hear from again.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Plans :)

Most things in life don’t turn out as planned. So I decided to take a stand against this idea a long time ago and quit planning. Almost entirely. Granted, there are things you can’t avoid having plans for, like weddings or birthday parties and the like, but for all the other stuff, I threw the caution to the wind and decided to just take whatever comes my way, when it comes my way.

It’s simple enough to do, if you can, to just let go of the constraints of time management that goes along with planning. And it truly allows you to relax a bit in your own life. I don’t get stressed when things don’t turn out how I wanted them to, because I don’t let myself want for something. So no matter what happens, I take it and run with it. Or, in some cases, run from it. But no matter, for either way I had no expectations in whatever is unfolding before me.

This also makes those bubbles of anger and anxiety wash away before they even reach the shores of your mind. It’s absurd to get upset over something that you had no idea was coming, or to get upset for something that never came. That is, if you never planned for it either way.

I enjoy happiness. I find it difficult to be sad, I abhor whininess, and anger is something that I’d rather not indulge in (although it is one emotion that I am quite good at expressing with a modicum of intelligence). I just want me and the world around me to be happy. I like to smile and I like to laugh and I don’t want anything to bring me down from those feelings. Lack of planning allows me to do this – at least most of the time.

So let go a little folks. Release the pressure you place upon yourself and realize that life is just a crazy insane kind of thing and to really enjoy it, you must learn to love the madness of it all. You must embrace your lack of control. You must learn, like a wise woman told me once, to simply float on your cloud instead of reaching over the sides with your arms flailing as you try to pedal it in a certain direction.

Come to think of it, I didn’t even plan my wedding. J

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Element of Feelings

Ok, I found it again…or better put, I felt it again. Maybe it’s because I had the perfect combination of elements that caused this feeling to stand out again, course through my mind and my soul, and leave me exuberant in every molecule of my body. Maybe everything was just so…

I’m not sure how any one of these elements has anything to do with the other, for they are all seemingly unrelated events, and moreover, they are each, in their own right, quite common occurrences. The weather, the location, the company, the music, along with a litany of other things, are all quite usual in my life.

I know it is stimuli, be it internal or external, that controls how we feel, or guides our feelings (something that should not be mistaken for actions by the way), so my logic tells me that every singular event, when coupled with each other, causes different variations, ripples if you will, in the feelings you have. But I wonder what it is with this particular combination that brought back *this* feeling.

But I think, for once in my constant-need-to-break-things-down kind of mind, I’m going to let my right brain take control and make my left brain take a rest. I’m going to stop analyzing “what” for a minute, quit wondering why this feeling decided to visit me today, and just enjoy it. J

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Illusions. They’re everywhere. Everyone we meet, everything we see – they all cast them. Its hard sometimes to discern what is real and what is not – depending on how good the illusions are, and more importantly how good you are at finding them.

I cast them every day; several times a day in several different ways. We all do. Its in our nature. People who know me pretty well will see through some. People that know me very well will see through most. But no one will see through all. I don’t do it to hide who I am (those people are the ones you need to worry about) – I do it to project whatever aspect of myself is best suited to any given situation. Well, ok, there are times I do it to hide, but that’s a tale for another day.

There are those few that use illusions to make you believe that what you see is real, when in fact they are anything but what you see. And there are those that cast them to make themselves believe that what they show is real. These are the hardest illusions to see through, for if the projector believes what they say, their lie is hard to detect.

I was in a situation not too long ago where I watched as the illusions that surrounded another person fell to pieces. Right in front of my eyes. It reminded me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Each time someone’s annoying habit was pointed out, the sound of glass shattered above the heads of everyone else in the room. They had not noticed these traits in each other before, but once pointed out, they were obvious to all. I felt the exact same way that day.

And then there you are, staring at what you always considered to be real when *poof* - it’s gone. And once they are all gone, once every illusion is shattered, there is the face unveiled. And all you can do at that point is hope that what you reveal is not ugly.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Pen

I like my pen right now. It feels right. I’ve nothing to say really; nothing to write about, and if I do write I won’t be saying anything at all. That’s mainly because I’m not in the mood to say anything – I’m in the mood to un-say things. 

And when I’m in that mood I just spin in circles around an infinite black hole – and very few would appreciate that journey, for it really is a pain in the ass ride with no destination and no ultimate end.

But my pen…my pen suggest that something needs to be said. So I feel I must write something. So let’s see…

It is the ride less ridden that is more enjoyable. This is so because that sensation is never overloaded. Now this isn’t to take away from the joy of the more common rides in your life. You just have to remember, life isn’t about having the best all the time – it’s about making the best out of everything you have.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

That Being Said...

Well for those who were following along, I’m not going to finish the story I was telling…not here anyway. What started as an experiment has grown into a tale that will be chasing its end for awhile. But finish it I will, and I’ll let you know when I do.

And here’s a shout out to my muse who laughed at me when I said it was going to be a short story. As usual, you were right. J

I will now take you back to my regularly scheduled program, which is neither regular nor a program, but you get my meaning.

Until next time…here are some thoughts:

When the music is playing, why can’t we help but dance when we pass by a mirror?

The house you buy when you are young will one day become grandma/pa’s house – to someone else.

Some girls tend to quit shaving when they aren’t with a guy – or when they’ve been with one that long.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

A Story (part quatre)

It took mere seconds for her to regain any composure she might have lost at the shock of seeing him. She grew up within the British intelligence community and they had trained her young to be quick on her feet.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I came to get you. We have to go.”

“Where’s Jack?”

“He’s back in London. Someone else was after your mark apparently. They want to know who beat them to it, and they’re making noise.”

“Oh?” she asked. “Anyone we know?”

“No, these are young thugs. No discipline and certainly not polished.”

“Well, I suppose we should go then.” She turned and headed to the cabin. Luke started to follow, and then stopped. She felt him pause and stopped to look at him. “Coming?” she asked.

“No, I’ll wait here.”

“Suit yourself.” As she turned back she smiled to herself. He doesn’t want to go in, she mused. He’s as afraid to remember as I am to forget. She might have laughed at this idea, if she thought he wouldn't hear her.

She understood his resistance. If she had any sense, she would’ve resisted it too. This cabin was a safe house they found together, quite on accident. They were on a hike after a job in the area and ran across it. It was perfect, nestled as it was so far from anything, yet still accessible by car. Although the house was a common house for anyone in the crew, there was no denying it belonged to her and Luke. They spent a lot of time there and managed to make it their own.

When she walked back out shortly thereafter, she glanced over at Luke. He was still positioned exactly as she had left him. When he saw her, he walked over and grabbed her bag. They got in the car under a blanket of silence and drove away.

When they reached the road that led to the clearing, she noticed it didn’t seem as narrow as it had when she drove in. Suddenly everything about this road seemed apparent. I suppose it was the darkness, she thought. It always hides things. And that is why I prefer the night.

“Why don’t you rest,” Luke suggested. “This may be a long ride.”

Hope nodded and leaned back in her seat and shut her eyes.


She woke when the car came to a stop. The sun was just setting over the horizon.

“Where are we?” Hope asked.

“Just crossed into Austria. I’m going to gas up before we head into the mountains.”

She got out to stretch her legs and get a drink. After they got back in the car and pulled out onto the road, Luke began to speak.

“I know where you’ve been, what I don’t know is why. It was my understanding that you were never going back there. So tell me, how are the folks?”

“Still dead.”

He knew he had hit a nerve, no matter how unintentional. “I’m sorry, Hope. I wasn’t referring to your birth parents. I was talking about Jane and Max, the ones that raised you.”

“I know,” she said. She looked out the window at the passing scenery to collect her thoughts before speaking again.

“Jane and Max are fine…now. I went back because I had too. They needed my help and I couldn’t refuse them. They got mixed in with some bad informants. I had to help get rid of their excess fat.” She paused. “But that’s not why I left. I left because…” she stopped short of finishing the sentence.

“Because of Benny?” he asked. “Was him getting set up the reason you left?”
“Yes,” she said quietly.

They were in complete darkness now. The sky was clear, and the only lights aside from the car were from the distant stars.

“You know it wasn’t your fault,” he said.

“Yes it was. If I hadn’t told that prick of an agent why we were in town, he wouldn’t have got caught.” The memory both saddened and angered her. And she could never decide which emotion was stronger.

“No, I’m telling you, it wasn’t your fault. That’s why I had Jack call you back. I wanted to let you know you were the one that was set up to take that fall.”

“Excuse me? Are you telling me someone got the drop on me?”

He gave a little grin at that statement, knowing it bothered her tremendously to not always be on top. “Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“Who the hell was it?” she growled.

“It was Benny. He set you up to set him up so he could flip without it looking like that’s what he was doing. He doesn’t know I’ve figured that out, but I’ll confront him one day.”

She started to say something else when she noticed a reflection of light bouncing off the side view mirror.  As she turned around, Luke looked in the rearview mirror.

“It seems we have company,” he said.

***tbc (just one more time :)